Tuesday, December 16, 2014

How To Wake Your Human

by Biscuit (I bet you didn't know there were online cat-to-English translaters.)

My human is busy muttering about Christmas and messing around with string and pointy things (and won't let me play with them), so I thought I'd share with the feline readership some tips I have found to be very effective in getting humans out of bed so they can feed and entertain us.

Step 1.  Wander into the room with them and meow.   Do not be discouraged if they do not move.  This is just the first step.

Step 2.  Jump onto the bed and examine them closely.  Like this.  Purring as loudly as possible is encouraged.

Step 3.  At this point, the human may say something like "mpnhfh" and try to bury their head in blankets.  Carefully dig the blankets away from their face, and inspect the face even more closely.

Step 4.  Pat the human with your paw.  Bare skin is best, such as the cheek or nose.   However I have had excellent results in summer with patting the human in the armpit.   Be ready to jump off the bed in case they awaken thrashing with surprise.  (Why they should continue to be surprised after the first time is just one of those unexplainable things about humans.)

Step 5.  Continue patting until your human either gets up and goes toward the cat food, or else pushes you off the bed.   If pushed off the bed, return to step one and start the process again.  An acceptable variation is to jump on the dresser and start pushing things off onto the floor.  Hard things that fall noisily are best.  Varying your technique helps keep it fresh and effective.

Step 6.  Once the human is up and moving, strike a cute pose to distract them from being upset about being awakened.

PS:  It's best to use these steps only once per night.   If overused, your human may shut you somewhere out of earshot (say, on a sun porch) for the rest of the night.


  1. Replies
    1. Biscuit displays quite astonishing persistence in enforcing what he sees as the human's ideal schedule.

  2. LOL!!!! Biscuit is obviously the master at this!

  3. Great tips! I'll be sure to pass them on to my dog who thinks he is a cat ;)